I was breathing hard. My heartbeats on my ears..



It took me about ten minutes to shook off the vegetable state my brain was in.

My fingers began typing again.

Alone.



My mind was still not responding.

Before I ended typing whatever I was trying to tell him, another message arrived.




It hit me by then… I was taking too long to answer.. of course it didn’t seem like that to me, but for him it sure was an eternity.. I knew this new message would be about it…what was I taking so long with.. was he thinking I didn’t want to talk with him?.. what was he thinking ..?



”I’m sorry… you are probably tired… I’m..sure I woke you up. Forgive me. We’ll talk in some other ..moment. I’ll let you sleep now. Forgive me.”


My heart began aching. What was with him and his sweetness? He was the kind of person I’d be glued to every day of my life… all that perfection and he still felt like he wasn’t enough…or worth to talk with… all that made my eyes wet again…. I was the one who always felt that way….who knows how many tears I had spent so far in those three days… but god knew those wouldn’t be the last ones yet…


I typed an answer to his last message with out even erasing the text I typed before… I couldn’t take loosing another precious seconds doing it.. I had to write fast and so I did.

I wasn’t even sure if it was possible to understand whatever I tried to say now … it was text over text…but it was for fact that I couldn’t let him leave me hanging there with all that desperating anxiety…


I sent the message and fell down on my back again.. the bed shook a little by my sudden move..


my cell phone glued to my chest..

the cold metal over my skin..

the screen still on.. it was the only light on the room… it went off after a couple seconds…then it was only the moon …and I…




A few minutes passed.. I was staring at the dark corner of the ceiling…

my eyes felt dry as ever… I was all nervousness.. what was he thinking so much?.. why wasn’t he answering back?... was he asleep already?...... did I ever sent the message?

I panicked. I took the cell phone again and desperately searched the sent message inbox.

Yes I have sent it. I opened and re-read it.



”Yes

I’m still awake, Tom.....?

You wanna talk? …like.. in a call? ..or how?...

..and what abou-NO! please! I wanna know!

I’m sorry I’m too slow with this shit.. I’m…

Are you ok? I’m not tired! I cant sleep.. don’t …leave me..

Please"


I covered my face with my both hands… it was the worse message I’ve ever written…incoherent… interrumped….it sounded just so much like begging… so pathetic… so… alone in the world.. what would he think about me now?..._{’I’m so stupid.. I can’t even do this well….i’m so…’}





The cell phone vibrated again on my chest. I jumped.




1 new message . Unknown number.


I stepped out of the bed and went to the window. It was raining furiously outside.

The sky was falling… the wind was shaking the trees with harm…the streets were empty and full of leaves… it was a beautiful sigh.. where would he be.. the town was very small.. yet… so many other houses…. So many other balconies…So many other windows… so many other people who couldn’t sleep… so many…other people with their hearts in their hands…… was he at his window…? was he staring at the rain too?....




I was hesitating so much about opening that message… I sighed… my forehead against the cold glass… I stared at the drops falling down .. then I stared down at the little screen……


I bit my lip….

I began reading.



”No, It’s ok. I thought I was bothering you..

thanks for staying awake..

Nothing it’s wrong. I’m okay

Listen….I.. don’t know why I feel..

I think I should-….

Ok…I guess its easy for me to talk this way.. but..

I really want.. to hear… your voice again… and..

I’ll understand if you don’t want to.. don’t worry.

But…

Would it be okay if… I call you..?”



I leaned my face for the window… my cheeks were burning..… the glass was completely misty.. I was breathing so hard… it seemed more like moans that just plain breathing…


I needed to control my self…  I felt like I had a 4th of july in my stomach… I wrote back.



”…call me”



I sat on the floor with my back against the wide glass…

lonely images and words began tracing my mind... should I tell him how I feel now? …I began wondering if he might be feeling the same when an awful realization stricked back on me...


What if it’s Andy?.... what if he is just fucking around with me?...making me think he is Tom?..


_{‘oh my god… please don’t….he wouldn’t… god ….this cant-...’} before I even had time to panic, the cell phone starts ringing.



Unknown number calling



My heart was on my throat, I stared at all the tiny buttons.. I carefully took my finger to the green.. I knew how capable I was of pressing the wrong one on that retarded state I was in.....



"......hello........unknown person…

I smiled. There was just silence.



"...... hello......known person..........."

I definitely knew that voice… that sleepy voice…. It was him…. I heard him giggle….it made me feel thousand butterflies.. and bats… and birds.. and just tons of flying stuffs on my stomach….

That giggle...

I'd sell my soul for it…..



”….. Bill……… god….. I missed your voice… so bad…..I-…”


I flushed furiously… I've always thought my voice was girly.. even though it had changed a lot in those past years.. it still was girly to me…very girly…I just couldn’t believe I heard… what I heard….


”……..you…did?....”


”…yes… I-…. I-… thought ……I wouldn’t hear it again……”


He sighed longingly…I choked. Why did he always had to scare me like that? I tried my best to hide the fear in my voice… but it was impossible…


”…WHAT?...........w-why?.. what-….. please tell me you are not-…going away….”


”….that’s what…. I wanted....... to tell you…..”


I closed my eyes tight…
Tears began falling down….. again…. I was so good at crying in silence…all those years of practice…

I was so good…..






at hiding pain.....



”…. I-…. Wasn’t sick Bill… I lied… that’s not why… I didn’t go to work…..

I’m……. uhm……




Listen….. I know you might don’t care… and I know its any of your business…

But….. I-…….I’m…………having troubles with my father…. He’s in town now….

He came…… to take me back again………. with him…







To Spain…..”







I covered my mouth with my free hand to suppress a hard sob I knew was coming…. I pressed so hard against it, I thought my lips were going to fuse with my teeth…



”……I don’t….. I-….. Don’t want to go Bill…….I… can’t stand him.....

That’s why I came here with Andy and his brother......



.......to stay away from him…

I was born in this place…… I feel home.. here… almost......



.....But....now......


He’s back....


And-……and……. I-….don’t know what to do......”










I lowered the phone a side… and curled up in a ball on the floor… I just couldn’t stand the pain…and the worst thing was… I didn’t know why......But..... I was feeling his pain too… all that suffering… all that.... coming from his sweet tender voice....

I grabbed the phone again with my trembling hand..





”…Bill…. A-Are you ………….there….?



I’m sorry… I knew……


I knew….. I shouldn’t…….. I-….

.......I’m just going to hang up now.......It’ll be the best-…”





It was the worse scene ever.. I was feeling so impotent…..so useless….. I couldn’t do anything but hold onto that cell phone… I couldn’t do anything else..

I was too far…

we were too far….


I was fighting my tears… fighting my wants to tell him he was the reason that kept me awake every night ever since I met him.. he was reason for what I still breathed…  


I was fighting my wants to tell him my heart was at his feet…  and I knew I couldn’t fight any longer......




I knew………..I was….


..Weak….



”NO!! PLEASE! Don’t-……


Don’t…. ………..leave me… Tom….. you don’t know …how I feel…. I don’t know you……

you......you don’t know me.....

We-......We are......

I’m so-.....Confused right now-........



And you tell me.........this and-............


And I-.....

Just-................




...............................Why..?”


I started sobbing.. it was just to much to take...... I was dying inside.....







”….why?........... why what?....


What you mea-…….oh my god… Bill.. are you-…





Are you............


Crying…?......


Oh god.. please tell me you are-........not-…”




”I’m s-sorry…..”




” god!........I-…

It’s my fault! ….. I’m so stupid!....I knew it!... I knew I shoudnt have-….

Oh…fuck I feel so-.....

Forgive me please I shouldn’t have-…… I don’t know what was I thinking… I was just so......

Empty and… I-…was dealing with all that stuff… and… I felt so tired of the world…. I’ve been alone my whole life…….. and when I finally thought I’ve found a place where I start feeling home…. He comes back and  I-……… just-……….I had only one thing on my mind….. and then……. I just-……


I cant stand this… please don’t cry Bill… you are….


You are breaking my-…


Just-……..”






”I c-cant.....help it.....

I-......a- always...c- cry for every-thing…. I’m......

I-.....

I’m sorry....... Don’t feel bad for me please…

I-… don’t need that.......    You don’t need that-.....


Right now… I just-….. I-…. Feel like I-….


I-…….. I-….need you....."






I stopped and let go a heavy sigh… was I really ready to confess? Was I really ready for it?



"I.... need you………….



I-…. Need-...."









”.......y-yes?”









"I-......... Need you-........

…. to tell me…… that you’re not going away….

Please that’s the only thing I want to hear…

Don’t ask why am I crying-…… I-…. Don’t-….

Please-...."









”Bill.......I-……



What-…… what are you doing tomorrow?”








I gulped.. what was he thinking? He was talking more like a whisper now… I slowly tried to calm down or there’d be no way I could  keep talking.. I breathed intensely a couple times until the sobs stopped a bit.. I tried to relax.. after all... there was nothing my tears and sobs could do to change the situation he was in.. whatever it was…





”…w-what?....... tomorrow?......why-”






”just-……. Just-….. answer that”






”Uhm… n-nothing… I guess….. t-tomorrow its-…. Sunday…”





”Okay…..good….  could you come…. To the store….. tomorrow? ”





”….what-…… Tom.. tomorrow… its Sunday……. Stores don’t open on sunday”





”I work there…. remember….?.... I have the keys… Andy would be with Julia all day … he’ll be okay with it…. I’m sure…trust me.. I’m MORE than sure he wont mind… and by the way......

......In case you’re wondering… how did I got your number………I-….”





”……..Andy…”





”yes.....



When he thought it was Julia’s new phone… he searched through… it-… and well… he-........Did a missed call to his own phone and kept the number.....

He told me later he was sorry for it… and-......”





”he what??!!.... so-...... uhg!....He-…… he called you again after I left???”










I was blushing furiously… I had like a mixed salad of feelings inside… my cell phone… something so private.. how fucking dared he to search through it….only god knows the things I had on the memory card of that thing…. I wished he hadn’t went too far.....I hated him for doing it… yet…. I knew he thought it was somebody else’s phone…..  and I knew if it wasn’t for him… I probably wouldn’t be talking with Tom right now… so I was somehow….. thanked….






”…yes…. He called me again….from the store……. He-…..

He-… is a curious bitch………what can I say…..”






I laughed…. He was just so cute when he joked like that…. I dried the tears from my face…


”and…… and-… he gave you … my number…?”




”y-yes….. he …uhm… he….said… something like..
‘you know bitch… I don’t know why you are so damn lucky.. but … I have the guy’s number on between my contacts here, I kept it when I was thinking it was Julia’s…..  you want it?’

I couldn’t believe he actually did that…


But uhm… ….I didn’t know what to say though… he was asking me if I wanted it…

And-..........

And-.......well…….at the end.. I knew… I had to talk to you again....


So I asked him for it.. and… uhm........a-and he........ gave it to me….”






I was lost there.. was I supposed to assume… I knew how he felt..? he knew what I felt?...

we knew what we felt?... I was lost…. It certainly sounded weird… it certainly wasn’t normal… a few minutes ago I was crying when he told me he was maybe leaving… and now I was smiling at his jokes… it wasn’t a guy-guy normal conversation.... I just didn’t know what was going on… it was all awkward.. but.....it felt so….....Good.....




”…..oh……I see…….Uhm-…..…. so-….”





”……so…”



Silence... i hated it and yet.... I was melting under the sounds of his breathing....





”… so…..”





”..........God!........... how is raining outside…”





”…a-are you....... Also staring at it...........by your......... window?”



I headed closer to mine… the rain was still falling… the wind taking the little drops all over the place… how would it feel to be a rain drop?.... I touched the cold glass with one hand..and began making random circles on it…


”yes-……. Ever since I started writing you.........And-........

To be honest.......I was outside… before it…”






”outside…? … like… how?... under the rain you mean?....”





”………yes… I-…

I was sat at the balcony… … with my guitar….. I-….. I needed to clear my mind-…

And-… well……. What better than …rain for it..."






I blushed… how would it feel to be a rain drop… and......Fall on his skin.......

I bit my lip…







”uhhm……

I-...... I was…… I mean… I-......Am.......right now staring at it.. too…… i-… love  rain…

I love....... storm nights…..........Its just so-…… its like.......

They are so perfect-....... Its like cold and……… perfect… and it-…

It makes you wonder..................how would it… feel.....

To-… uhm…. You know…… to have someone ......To-............




Someone to-....”











”….cuddle with.......”




I leaned my forehead to the glass again........he was reading my mind......This had to be a dream… he was just too......

.......perfect….



......I was speechless…











”.......yes-.......I-

……….. was-… thinking.. the same.......Its-.......Its-....

......Something.... I’ve always wished...

Someone to-........... Hug.............And-......


Night time cuddles.............and-.............

And-.....


You know........its just like you say…….Nights like this.....

They just-.....................really....Makes me wonder… if .....
If-...........I could ever find… that… special person........”










I suppressed a moan on my lips… I closed my eyes tight.......He was melting every part of my body…. he was playing with every nerve… every cell on my brain…





”I-…… think i-……
I-...... think I’ve-......”



What was I going to say? …_{’I think I’ve found.. that person......’} ? I hated my self .. now how was I supposed to fix it?... I was definitely starting to make him feel uncomfortable…


I regretted saying  it so much….I need to stop saying impulsive things…. I was going to talk again but he interrupted me.







”….yes… I think I’ve found...it...........too"


His voice sounded as if he was thinking hard… it sounded… deep.. it sounded ..from the heart… and I don’t know why I had the impression of him… smiling…
he was reading my mind… I was scared… I was nervous…What was he trying to tell me?.... why did I always had to doubt about everything…?







”… uhm.......I-........Think… yes-........ Uhm…
I.... Think… tomorrow....Will keep raining.....And-.......”


What was I doing? I felt so stupid.. I was totally changing the subject.. what was this?... was I fearing him.. Saying too much?... was I scared of what could I say to him…?

Was I fearing...............Being rejected…?









”……….yes… tomorrow… would definitely keep raining…..still…
I’ll go to the store…. As soon as the sun raises… I’m sure I wont sleep a shit anyways…


So..........I-… I have nothing to lose..........

Will you-......Go...?



Right......?”










”….. yes… yes I will. I don’t care if the sky falls on me.. I’ll be there….”


I sounded so cliché-like I wanted to rip my tongue out… I heard him giggle vigorously… it only made me blush worse…








”…great...... Besides… I promised I’ll take a look again to that…uhm-.......
Eyebrow of yours...... So I will… I never break promises....”






”….you promised it?....oh”






”uhm… I-… I-.,,,,, thought I did….well-… uhm… promise or not.. I will….
And-............Bill… thank you”






”thanks?.... for what-…. I mean......trust me.. I’m the one who should be thankful and-...”







”No........ I mean it...... I wish-.........


Oh… fuck”







”what is it??”







”I’m running out of batteries.............Fucking cell phone!..........

Ok, Listen… I’m sorry......

.....I’m sorry …I-….. made you… cry-......

Believe me.... it wasn’t my intention… I -.......I hate my self for that.. I still cant believe that-...........uhg..........I wish I haven’t......... told you and-.......You -......

You ……Just have no idea how it affected me....... to hear your-.........Sobs… and stuff… I thought I’d die-............ I-.........Just……


Thank you so much ......For the talk… and all....... I feel better already-……even though you don’t believe me… I feel… great now........I feel… I don’t even know how I feel.........


And its-..........Its-..........all because-.....
........





Because .....of-...................”









He was breathing hard… I was about to faint… I was biting my lips and pressing my forehead so hard against the glass I though it would break and cut me on a half....








”uhm…… so… i-… I’ll see you… tomorrow.....And-........ Uhm.......

Thank you Bill.......


...... for everything........”


He didn’t finish whatever he was  saying.. I guessed… I shouldn’t push him… so I didn’t…






”….okay..........thanks so much… for-......

calling me........... And-.......... and-..........

thank..... you…

.......B-bye.......Tom..."







”....................Bye”


His last word sounded so much like a soft warm whisper to my ears.... I couldn’t hold my self and I let go a loud sigh as soon as I heard him hang up......I stood there with the cell phone against my ear for a few minutes…


suddenly I fixed my eyes at the random circles I was doing on the misty glass from a while ago… There were lots of them… all over the window..I still had my finger over the surface.. then… I noticed…




Half of them weren’t circles any more....










They were hearts............


I was actually drawing hearts on the glass with out noticing..... I felt so retarded.. yet.. I just couldn’t stop smiling........I turned my back to the window and slowly walked to my bed… I was exhausted… I sat down and stared at the clock…



03:15 am


_{“holy shit”} who knew how much time we spent talking… I couldn’t believe it was that late already….I rolled to a side on my bed and threw the sheets on me.. I was suddenly feeling cold…


_{’night cuddles’}…. I blushed instantly remembering his words… he was too much to handle…  I placed my phone on a side of my pillow…… I closed my eyes… I had to try sleeping at least a couple hours… tomorrow would be a long day…


I was just starting to fall asleep when I felt a light right on my face...... I rubbed my eyes and stared closer… the screen of the phone was on again…






1 new message. Unknown number


I rolled on my back staring blankly at the screen. My whole world went crazy.

My eyes went blurry. I couldn’t stop reading the message over.. and over.. and over again.....













”...........forgive me…

....I just had....... to....finish.. what I was going to say...









It’s all.....




because ....of.....






......you.

Don’t ask.

I’ll explain tomorrow.

Sleep tight...

Tom.