I clicked the send button and watched the mail disappear with out even reading it first...


I had my heart in my throat. I knew it would take hours for him to see it.. I knew it would be too much to ask.. I knew he wouldn’t be able to reply this until maybe next day… and still I don’t know why I had hopes someway..


I grabbed my cel phone, tossed it on my right side pocket and headed outside of the room… I needed to clear my mind or I would explode..

I put on my glasses before storming out of the apartment and sighed longingly one last time on my way to the elevators.. this whole mystery thing was destroying me..
I cursed thousand times in my mind.. I always hated not having control of the situations.. I always hated those kind of moments..


The worst thing anyone could do to me was that one Bill was doing right now.




Keeping secrets.


On my way down with each sound of the floors passing by, I was awakening my thoughts..



”oh… shit”



I had completely forgot we were not in Germany..
I had completely forgot I was a foreign lost German dude about to go out of a building in the middle of the huge New York city, of which I had no fucking idea at all, and not even a fucking retarded map to guide me than just my visual memory of the few streets Bill and I have walked the first day we came here.



I started hesitating about going out at all.. I was in absolutely not mood to deal with fangirls right now, and I knew there was a high possibility of them being outside waiting for this kind of random moments..


I cursed over my reflex on the metal doors.. why did I had to be so noticeable.. why couldn’t I just hide my self like Gustav and Georg did all the time.. it was so easy for them to look normal.. so easy to mix with the rest of the people.. but of course.. they didn’t wore clothes ten sizes bigger than them…


They didn’t had blonde dreads and caps calling the world’s attention to their heads.. and they wouldn’t look as handsome as me on those things like I was…

I lowered my sight to the floor hearing the first girls screaming as the elevator’s doors came open.. ‘fucking glass windows! Fucking building!’… I mumbled irritated in my mind..

I regretted being me for the first time in my life…




I walked hurried to the opposite corner of the lobby as I barely heard the guard politely asking me if I needed something..

”Its good!-… its-.. uhm-… its okay, I’m just going for a walk, thank you!”


I half screamed to him with out even turning my sight to where he was standing…
I continued my way heading to the other exit David had showed us on this cases..

I just had to walk down a few stairs to end up on the parking of the other street.
It was a fucking labyrinth but it was purposely maid like that to avoid the press and the fans stalking.


Only this time.. I had no car, not ban, and no security staff waiting for me..


And I was alone and my ass there..

I had no one. I haven’t told anyone I was going out.. it didn’t even crossed my mind until it was too late to say something.

I had passed already the worst part. The site was almost empty except for a guy standing far in a corner waiting for someone maybe.. there weren’t even cars parked .. I figured it was because every body was out for lunch..



Those Americans.. always going everywhere in their cars.. so different to Europe where we walked to all the places.. and if not walked.. we went in our bikes…

I smiled as I called memories of the first time Bill and I went out of the house at night.... it was after midnight...and... with out mom’s permission..

We took our bikes and headed to the park to meet some friends..




On the road, bill had tried to skip crashing a cat in the middle of his way, and he fell hard on the floor..


God how I felt my soul breaking in thousand while I watched him fall down and hit his head.. I nearly jumped of my own to try catch him.. but I couldn’t.. he hit the back of his head on the pavement.. and he passed out.


I was so scared as shit, I started to shake him, scream to his ears.. hug him.. move him..  but he just wouldn’t show a sign of life until about five minutes later when I was already crying…


I lifted him in my arms and took him home walking.. I completely forgot about the bikes.. I forgot about everything that wasn’t my baby brother cuddling up on my chest with his hands over my neck..


He kept asking the whole time what happened to the cat.. 'nothing Billa you saved him..' ..I whispered to his half sleeping form.. but of course I was thinking in my mind how could he worry about that little cat when he was just about to cross the line to the other world maybe…

When we got home, I left him on his bed and stood the whole night awake by his side… watching him sleep.. thanking for every single one of his breaths telling me he was alive and he was fine…


I never told anyone about our little accident.. we had lied to mom saying our bikes weren’t home anymore because they had been stolen…  and we were grounded a week with out Tv for that.. but it was all okay compared to what could that been if mom found out the real truth..



I shook my head staring blankly at the floor.. ’we’ve been through so much Bill…why-’ ..


I held a few sighs when I thought I heard steps coming closer..

I turned my head to a side slowly making eyes contact with the subject.



‘fuck!’


I quickly stared back to the floor. I hated those kind of moments.. even if I had glasses on.. I hated when it happened… eyes contact with strangers were always synonymous to awkward conversations..



I heard his steps coming closer and closer… I started walking forward ignoring them trying to get out of the situation when I felt a hand on my shoulder… ‘fuck fuck fuck!!’


I took my sight to him again as if nothing.



”Hi there…”


It was the same guy I saw standing in the corner when I came hare… he seemed like my age, he was blonde , pale… tall.. staring at me oddly.. I was going to just  turn around again and walk away when he started talking again..



”I’m sorry.. I just.. i've been here... a while ago.. and-…. You somehow caught my attention.. you… were looking to all sides.. and.. like that for about twenty minutes already… and-.....You just-… didn’t looked like.. American.. so-..uhm-… I supposed you were having troubles with something,.... are you lost? Can I help you..?”



”Uhg-”


Was all that came out of my mouth.. I was so embarrassed.. now it was obvious I didn’t had a fucking clue of what I was doing, and for some reason I was pissed at the guy.. just who did he thought he was to come like that and suppose I am lost when I’m not… yet… at least..


”Uhm-… talk English??”


I raised my eyebrows to him giving my ‘are you kidding me’ look..  
I saw him blushing.




”erm-….. parle vous france?”


”UHm-…”


”hablas tu.... espaniol?”


”uh?.... deutsch? ”


”uh oh-… sorry-… those are-….. the only I know-.. I’m-..... sorry”


He stared at the floor hiding his face from me, I realized I was maybe being too much evil with the poor guy who obviously was just trying to help me..



”no problem, I’m German but I can talk English”


”oh, I see, nice accent”


”uhm-…”


”so-, are you lost?-…I’m sorry it’s any of my business but if you wish I can help, I live here since like-.... forever ago.... I know every corner of this city like the palm of my hand”


I forced a smile out on my face, he was being very friendly even though he had noticed I was not in very good mood, it quite surprised me actually.

If the situation were the opposites I would have just walked away.. In Germany people wont stay there to stand your grumpiness the whole day and much less if you are expecting them to help you.. if you cant show some cooperation then you can go screw your self.. I was so glad Americans had so much patience with outsiders..



”well-… I am here just about a couple days ago… and.. we’ve walked the streets with my brother before.... But-.... now its different-.... it-...s plain day, and-…. I’m alone, so-.... yeah I was just deciding-... which way should I take to get lost first.”



He laughed loud at my comments. I was being serious. I didn’t understand why was he laughing. I was once more bringing the annoying absence of Bill to my mind. I was once more feeling stabbed… I was once more feeling out of place and leaved behind, and I was for sure not even close so laugh of my self the way he was doing it. I stared at him sharply until he realized he was actually laughing alone.


”uhn-…s-sorry-…I just-…
uhm-… so, were do you wanna go?... I’ll tell you how to get there”



”I-… don’t know.”


And that was the truth.. I really didn’t knew. All I wanted was to take some air and walk for hours to clean my mind.. all I wanted was relax a little but I didn’t knew how.. I didn’t knew where… and my dry answers weren’t helping him much.. he kept his eyes in my face for what felt like ages.. he headed closer suddenly leaving just a few inches between us.. 'is he-.. going to-.....kiss me?'...I freaked out...



”w-what the-”


I pushed him away lightly instantly walking backwards a few steps..

”OH sorry I-.. its just-.. a-are you-… someone…?”


I titled my head in surprise, was he fucking around with me? Just what kind of retarded question was that? I repeated his words in my head thinking I've heard wrong maybe but no, they sounded the same.. there wasn’t any other further complicated translation to do.


”Of fucking course I’m someone!-… what-…  uhg-… you think I’m painted here or what? I’m talking to you aren’t I?-.. look-… if you are here just to-”


”oh! No, no, please, I expressed my self wrong, chill, I’m not here to bother you, its just, what I wanted to say was are you someone famous?.. cause… I’m almost sure I saw your face before.. and-…. That-….. cap-.. and-….. OH MY-”



‘uh oh’… I adjusted my glasses over my eyes. I was starting to lose my patience and we were  definitely not going anywhere. I had dodged the fan girls just  to come here and find a stalker?..


”good bye”


”OH MY- n-no wait! Please really I wanna help, I’m sorry-… I’m being annoying maybe,  its just I haven’t realized before -…. Jesus-…. Are you-… one of the Kaulitz?”




I turned my head to him again.




”the best one”


I’ve noticed already sometimes the words came out of my mouth with out me having plain knowledge of them..  it was as if my lips were so used to say those things all the time, that they just acted on their own.. They thought on their own...

I heard the words just as one of the many times I’ve heard my self..  I knew I could sound over the top cocky if I wanted to..  but I wasn’t really aware of what I was saying most of the time..  there wasn’t any intention to bug somebody with  my behavior..  there wasn’t any wants to crash somebody else’s ego..  I was an innocent mind prey of its own mouth…


I really wasn’t cocky..  I loved my self just like every person did with them self’s..

I just had more words and ways to express it instead of just remain silent.



”ohh-… yes you must be Tom”



”Ya”



”god-.. I knew i saw you once before.. in fact-…. I see you almost every day-”



”oh-… fuck-… I don’t want the details… ”



”OH-.. NO! its-…. Uh-…. Its not what you think. Its just-.. you are in every wall of my sister’s room-.. and well-… her room its in front of mine so-…. Uhg…I knew your face was familiar.. you are in one of the hugest posters over her bed-… a-… very-….. weird-… one-.. but-…still-… good-.. I guess”



”ah-…really?-….w-weird-..why-…?”


”you-.... said you wanted to walk-.... right?…okay-… lets walk-….”


I nodded hesitating.. I hated when people changed the subject, I wasn’t stupid,  but he was right… I had to move of that place of I would start growing roots on the floor… we shook hands and I nodded.


”I’m Mathew by the way-… I know its hard to pronounce sometimes so just call me Matt”


I laughed in my mind..  I thought of Bill instantly… he and his tendency of running out from words with “TH” in the middle because we always made fun of him and his funny pronunciation.. I was actually the only one in the group who understood him enough to know he let the fans sing on purpose sometimes when the lyrics had too many “TH” words…



I bit my lips… why couldn’t I stop thinking about him?...

Why was I bringing him back to my thoughts every two seconds if what I wanted was the whole opposite..?


I sighed longingly….

We started walking to the left side of the parking area.. as soon as we left the place I felt the wind of the city hitting my face.. I breathed the smock filled air.. I started hearing the cars and bus noises in the other side of the avenue.. I let my self relax a bit..


”so-.. what were you-… saying-..?”


He started at the other side of the wall.. I felt ignored for some strange reason..

”about-..w-what?”



”you didn’t finished-…”



”OH-….”


”ya-…. What about the poster and all.. why was it weird?-…  


”uhm-…. You-… don’t-.. wanna know-…. ”


”do I look so bad in the pic?... is bill there too? Is it a band poster or what..?”


”you-… don’t wanna know-… trust me-…”



”uh?-…why-..what is it?”


”It’s just-.. I-.. don’t know-.. girls stuffs-… its something they like-.. I guess-…. I have no clue-… everybody has-… its -.. tastes…  and-.. sickness-… ”



”are you-… still talking of the poster or what..?”


I was clueless of whatever he was trying to tell me, and I hated people giving too much rounds to something.. when I wanted to know, I wanted to know in the moment. The less talk, the better..



”Your brother and you-…. Are always together..?....you two-.... Get a long pretty well-.. don’t you?-… I mean-.. uhm-.. you know-… right..?”



I gulped. Why was he asking that all of the sudden?.. it wasn’t as if I was hiding something but still, what did It had to do with all that?

We crossed the street under the stare of all the people waiting at the bus stop a few meters close to us..  he looked at me again as if reminding me I had not yet answered his last question..

I was starting to regret having accepted his help.. I shoved my hands in my pocket.. ever second passing by bouncing along with those words in my brain… ‘your brother and you……. Always together…’.. a wave of anguish invading my insides.. for some reason.. I was not longer sure about that fact.. I cleared my throat lightly.. I kept walking with my eyes sewed on my shoes..



”w-why-… you asking..?”


”just-…. ”


”well-…. We’re twins-…… we are twins brothers… there is no bigger connection than that. We are so close to each other that… like he said once.. we actually don’t even have to talk anymore.. he knows what I think.. I know what he thinks. We are-…. only one mind…”


I lied.

If it really were like that.. I wouldn’t be sighing so miserably right now.. if we really were like that.. he wouldn’t have lied to me in my face at the airport… faking smiles.. faking everything.. why for?... if we still were like that I wouldn’t be asking those things right now..  I wouldn’t be walking to nowhere with a stranger.. I wouldn’t be leaving the apartment  for air.. I wouldn’t be feeling like….. shit.


I realized the conversation had turned too much personal and serious… it was destroying me to talk about it.. and he was in a strange listener position I was not too much in touch with.. I needed to ease the ambient and make him change the subject or I’d end up jumping infront of a car in the middle of the avenue...



”But-.. uhm-.. still-… I’m the hottest one… And the ladies guy between we both… so yeah.. thast the only thing on which we are not the same. Bill never gets ‘Lucky’….”



I heard him laughing.
I had done it again. God bless that mind of mine when I needed it… it never failed..



”I see-….. well-… that connection -… its very -.. attractive to the fans -.. you know…?.. oh, and there’s the park by the way, wanna go there? or should we keep walking…?
New York its huge-.. I must tell you-… we’ll be walking-… forever… ”



”okay, nein, park its good… but-..”



”yeah I know, don’t worry, this part it’s the old one of the city..  here are almost no young people hanging out.. and stuff…just.. big-… business persons and their.. busy life’s…  you don’t have to worry about being stalked by teens… not here at least-…”



”gut-… okay lets go then”



We walked to a pair of benchs in the middle of the park.. the floor covered by doves mumbling lightly.. they were so funny .. I had ever seen so much of them all together in one place..…


I sat on one side of the bench.. he sat at the other..  we were facing backs.. he was going to talk again but a text message made his phone vibrate in his pocket..


”uhg-.. just-…. one second, I need to reply this”


I nodded.
I got lost in my thoughts staring at the black and grey doves down my feet..


Bill loved doves..he loved all kind of birds..  he would always stay at least a few minutes to look at them.. it reminded him too much to when we were little.. of course I never understood that before.. I didn’t used to paid that much attention to those details.. he would always have to tug from my shirt and call me to his side to watch them walk funny and fight over when he fed them..


There was a time on when he even tried to take home one of them.. it was an ill one who had his little leg hurt so it was very weird seeing it walking by little jumps.. it was heartbreaking really but I knew we couldn’t take it home.. the cat would use the poor dove as breakfast..


For else that he didn’t wanted, he understood at the end, and we build together a little nest to the wounded black little dove.. I helped him even though I didn’t knew a shit about nests and birds.. I just couldn’t see Bill doing it all alone..


When it was time to leave he put the dove close to my face and said to me I should say goodbye too.. but how do you say goodbye too a bird?.. I headed closer to those deep buttons it had like eyes and Bill started giggling loud when the bird began biting the tips of my dreads.. ‘see Tomi? He likes you’… he said smiling…


We went home about and hour after that.. we never came back to that park.. deep inside I knew Bill was curious about the dove, but I also knew it would destroy him if we went there and found it dead or the nest crashed or stuff..


he was so sensible with those kind of things…




I closed my eyes.. why was I having so many flash backs?.. why was I thinking so much about him??.. it wasn’t as if he was dead or something.. it was ridiculous.. I didn’t had a reason.. I just did.. those thoughts were just coming naturally.. but why?.. have I ever felt this way before?..why couldn’t I remember… I cursed in my mind...


A poke in my back made me snap back to reality..


”Hey-… oh you were deep thinking?”


”uhg?-…uhm-… I was just-… ”


”yeah I know, its weird really.. I don’t know why do they like that…”


I scrunched my eyebrows.. what the hell was he talking about?.. it took me half minute to put it all together.. I had completely forgot the previous conversation..



”uh, right, yeah, but I -.. don’t think I understand”


”really-..? wow, I though-…. you two were always doing it on purpose or something to -… you know.. see them all-… horny-… and-…. stuff-…”



I turned my head to him stunned..

”wh-what?-…wait okay, now … I’m lost-.. what are you talking about? Do what?”



He half chocked with his words, I didn’t knew if it was because of my nervous stare or because of what he wanted to say..

”well-.. I’m -… I’m talking about that thing my sister and all her friends are kind of-…. Addicted too-….  You know.. if you only saw them-.. god-… I swear they really scare me sometimes… ”



”are you-.. talking about fan stuffs of what exactly?-.. just-.. can you explain better?? You know if its about things from the band, I know fans love collecting things like that-… shirts… posters… guitar picks.. there just-.. nothing weird about it-… I have tons of samy deluxe stuffs and-...... Bill has tons of Nena’s things… its normal”



”uhm-.. no, I think-.. okay you are obviously not aware of it, I’m-….
talking about what-..... you and your brother-... have...

That’s what I meant when I said fans loved you two and your-.. special connection-.. you know-.. I think-.. they-… uhm-.. I’m sorry if this -.. disturbs you-.. but I think it's because they see you two-.. in a… romantic way… and-.. uhm-... more than just-… brotherly-…. You-.. know what I mean right”




I gasped in shock. I was not hundred percent sure I had understood what he wanted to say exactly but as the idea crept its way slowly in my mind I felt my insides twisting.. my face started tickling hot.. i was flushing furiously.. I was overwhelmed... I was confused...  it was the first time ever I heard something like that… Bill and I-…. Together…..?


I closed my eyes as I started feeling my head aching..






”OH MY-… that is-”



”can I ask you-… something-..?”



He interrupted me before I ended saying whatever my mind tried to put in my lips..
I nodded in silence..


”I know-.. you might be-... tired of hearing this but-…is-…. Bill-….. gay too?”


”W-WAS?!”



I was so stunned of the conversation so far, I spit in German with out realizing... this was going too far.. I absolutely HATED that kind of questions… I hated seeing Bill so embarrassed every time those sons of a bitch from the press asked such private stuffs… I was so pissed at them for always torturing him with the same shit..



”LISTEN-…  I don’t know who are you, but if you brought me here just to get some information then I’m sorry.  its not happening.  Those things are any of your business. And why the hell did you just said-..TOO? -… just-.. what on earth did you wanted to say with that??-…I’M-..UHG!-...I'M NOT-”










”I-….am-..”



”OH fuck-… this is not happening-….”



”I’m sorry-.. I just-… I truly think-.. he is the most beautiful guy on earth and-”



”nnggohhh my god-… please stop-…”




”and-… you-.. too-.. but-.. he-..”



I massaged my forehead with my fingers, my headache was nearly burning holes in my brain.. it had gotten so worst I started actually seeing blurry..




”dear god-… you knew who was I the whole time right?”



”well-.. its just-… I-… couldn’t lose this chance-.. I-… just saw you there so lost and-.. I really thought I could help you-.. I-.. just-… I’m sorry-… sometimes I ask too much and-… uhg-… I screwed it up-.. I’m sorry-.. its just-.. I still cant believe I am actually talking with the real Tom kaulitz… and-…”



”uhg-.. its-.. its-.. okay-.. I’m not-.. pissed I’m just-….”


”do you think-.. I’ll ever-…… EVER-.. get a chance-.. to be-.. with-…. Bill?”



”fuck-… uhg-.. I-..”


”please-.. be honest-…”


”UHG-.. god-.. this is not happening-….. uhm-.. okay-… I-… d-don’t think-… I really don’t think-… he would like-… guys-… I mean-… uhm-… and-.. besides-... I wont-…”


I stopped at the warm thought crossing my mind flashing those words... Those truth words I would ever imagine I could say.. ‘I wont let him do it-….. he-… is my baby brother-… he is-..............  mine?’.. I sighed deep..

I shook my thoughts out.. it was definitely the worst day of my life and I was definitely on my weakest pick.. I would deal with my mind later.. right now I just needed to get out of there...



”just-…. Listen-…. Mathew-…. there are lots of other good guys too-..

you-.. don’t lose hopes-.. you’ll find-.. some one-… trust me-… and now-… uhm-.. I-..
I’ll just leave because-.. god-.. my head is killing me-…

and-.. uhg-… thank you for -.. the company and-.. the walk and-.. the talk and stuff-…. I’ll tell Bill you say Hi-..... okay-..?... he'll be glad to know he has such-... devoted-... male fan here-.... in America”


He stared back at me with a spark of hopes in his eyes.. I felt my heart aching.. if he only knew how far was he really.... if he only knew how impossible it really was…
i sighed brokenly...

sometimes… we have to lie a little to avoid-......... pain…



”thank you-… so much-…I-..”


”Its okay dude, don’t thank me, take care okay?”



I saw him nodding one last time, his eyes filled with tears.. I started slowly walking away with out looking back… I never saw a guy crying like that before…

I had always seen Bill doing it.. but it was different… it felt different.. Bill wasn’t just… a guy… he was… my twin… his tears were mine… his pain was mine…



Or… At least.. that was how it used to be…



I got back to the apartment about an hour later.. I thanked god I had actually remembered the way back… it had being the most weird day of my life and it wasn’t even over yet.. the sun was still in the sky…  


I had tried to clear my mind and instead all I did was fill it worst…



I jumped to my bed..

I stared at the clock on my cell phone…



16:59 pm



Time had flew but it was still so early.. still so much to go… my head was killing me..


I was thinking to just go back to sleep again and shut my brain for at least four hours more until the sun left ..when I saw my laptop at the border of Bill’s mattress…




I didn’t though twice to jump over there and turn it on again…




It was just as when I left it-… it was still showing the “sent” message sign..
I breathed deep a couple times..




-INBOX- -REFRESH-



I held my breath…




1 new mail . 20 minutes ago



I desperately clicked on it.. I couldn’t stand the pressure anymore.. if it was sent just 20 minutes ago then it probably meant he was still online, I needed to read it and reply it fast so I can hear more from him..

I hated all this..as  if we had no technology enough to just communicate by fucking  mails… why couldn’t he call me? Why couldn’t I call him?.. why it seemed so much he was doing all this on purpose… why was he playing with me... why was he treating me like that..

what have i done to him...



all the bitterness comming back to my insides...

I bit my lip. I started reading.






From:  mail user account number 377484904-no-reply

Subject:  UNDELIVERED






This mail was generated automatically . We are sorry to inform you there was an error involving your last sent mail name listed below:


“RE: ‘… On my way – 27 / 8 / 2008 – Five days.’”


Error code number: 4749044



The subject is no longer available.  
Verify your internet connection, and in case the error persist make sure the  address destination  <Billkaulitz_89> is still existent.