I woke up at 10 in the morning..  I was very tired.. I had spent almost five hours in the airport with Bill waiting for his flight connection.


He needed to have his last vocal cords check and he couldn’t miss the appointment..


I told Jost I could go too..  But he said we had to start working at the next album right away, so I had to stay at the improvised studio to try some guitars and have some interviews and other stuffs with the guys too..


It was so hard to find this place..  Specially since we barely knew the country..



New York was so big..  so crawled everywhere.. David had to set up three whole apartments stores to make sure we had privacy enough for our selves..


The press could be so mean sometimes..  they were everywhere..  each time Georg or any of us went out to the balcony there were flashes coming out of every possible corner..



I was so pissed at the doctor for making Bill go all the way to England just for a stupid medical checking.. He knew we were on tour.. He knew he was our lead singer..He knew we still had a lot of concert dates set up already…  He knew we were busy..


That asshole..



I couldn’t stand him… it would have been just so much easier if he came to us to the states.. But no.. It had to be made this way.. The hardest way always..


I didn’t even knew why was it so much important..  Bill’s surgery was moths ago..  he was fine.. We were back on stage doing better than ever..  Nothing was going wrong..  we were right now just taking a short few days break to try recording some stuffs…  




Why couldn’t they just wait until we were on real vacations or something…



I stared at the empty bed beside mine.. I held a sigh..




It was the first time ever he made a long trip with out me..  I hoped he was okay.. I closed my eyes..

He was probably going out of the London Airport .. heading to the hotel right now.. cursing for the fans stalking him.. Taking pictures of his early waked smug face with out make up..

oh how he hated that.. I knew him so well..




I smiled to the floor.. I remembered he took his laptop with him.. he told me he would write as soon as he could if he didn’t had time to call..



I got up from the bed, went to take a quick shower and headed to the kitchen…  I was in my particular “I’m not here” mood..




Gustav and Georg told me yesterday they were taking the day off to go check out the city.. buy new clothes..  new instruments and other things..  usually I would have joined them since I’m always the first in line when It comes about buying new guitars..



But I decided I could use some time alone, so we just agreed to meet downstairs at night and go have dinner outside..





I haven’t anything else to do for the moment, and David will be having some random meetings with the media the entire journey..  so it really meant I had all day by my self with out someone bothering me..





I took a coke out of the fridge and went to the couch to see what was on TV..




To my surprise as soon as I switched channels I caught the last part of our latest TV interview..

They were apparently repeating it all again..





The interviewer guy was so fake neither of us bothered on deepening the answers.. of course we have had worst interviews before.. but this one was actually one of the most tedious.. time ran so fucking slow to us.. our strong German accent and our funny English combined with his questions repeating over and over with different words.. God…  It seemed endless..




I started laughing at the sound of Bill’s sarcastic clapping..

”10 minutes older” .. I smiled to the screen..





Hearing that always made me giggle..  I was so proud of my self.. I was always teasing Him with that every time I had a chance to do it.. And if I didn’t had it.. I would do it anyways out of cameras or backstage..






I kept staring listening every single word coming out of me..

I gasped..

I couldn’t believe I actually pointed those facts in live TV..






”I was first in everything..

First kiss..

First sex..

You know?... he is virgin.”






I took one last sip to my coke..  Turned loud the volume and headed closer..


I blushed at the sight of Bill giving me that weird look.. it looked creepier from this side of the screen than how it felt actually being there.. I really thought I had went maybe too far this time.. I remembered I almost froze at the very moment he turned his face to me after saying the “V” word..  




Me and my damn mouth I just couldn’t control sometimes.. Thank god everything flood out just normally and we managed to change the subject in a very spontaneous way..





I turned off the TV feeling my face flushing..




I had suddenly changed my point of view.. That interview turned out very well actually.. More than how it felt.. I liked my outfit.. I liked our messy English.. I even noticed Georg wasn’t touching his hair every two seconds and Gustav said at least more than two words this time..





I nodded in silence..  we looked really cool on the screen..



We were actually conquering the American TV with out being the regular cheesy gay boys band.. and with out even being in much into their language..


We were seating precedents in not only a foreign country, but one of the most powerful and hard markets in the music industry..  that was more than what I could ever dream of..



I stood at the couch pretty much doing nothing than just staring at the space when I though it would be a better idea go put on some music..





I maid my way to the hall again.. I haven’t had time to unpack all my discs and other stuffs from the tour bus yet so all I had was on my personal laptop at our room..  

I had an identical one to the one Bill had.. Only mine was full of all the music I like and other interesting things he wouldn’t let me charge on his when he first bough it…  So I had to get one for my own still when I knew I would barely use it...





I sat on Bill’s bed with it in my lap.. I turned it on…  And while I searched for some few files I decided to check my email account too even though I almost never bothered on doing it.
Bill is always the one taking care of that.. he is the one who loves writing mails and answering fan request and else… I was never too much in touch with those things…

I started the explorer..





ID: TomKaulitz_69

Password:  whores



Good thing we had wireless internet already set up in the whole building. And it was a good thing too I actually remembered my password.. I was proud I had used such and easy word.

‘Easy’ word..  I repeated in my mind..

I laughed loud..that was exactly what Bill told me when he helped me creating that email account. ‘Tom... you are SO predictable sometimes…’ ..he said glaring at me..




I smiled to the keyboard. He was right. I might be predictable but I liked life being…  easy..


I stared through all the old and new coming mails... junk most of them.. I was randomly pressing the “delete” button as I was reading the subjects.. and the list just kept going and going..

  


Spam..-Delete- ...some of our cousins from the past month.. -Mark as read- ...some of the record label advising how were our sells going...-Delete- ....some of that store in Germany telling me they already had available that Les Paul guitar I had reserved..-Delete- ...some of Andreas..-Mark  as read- ... more spam..-Delete- ...some of the last groupies I met in Europe before coming..-Mark as Spam- ...some of our parents telling me they saw us on TRL last week..-Marc as Read- ...some of-....



I stopped.

There was one new mail flashing. It arrived just two minutes ago while I was cleaning the inbox. I turned off the music, opened it in a new tab, and started reading.







From: Billa <BillKaulitz_89>

Subject: … On my way – 27 / 8 / 2008 – Five days.



Dear Tomi:


I just got to the hotel about  half hour ago. The flight was good but boring.


I missed you.  

And there was a bald guy in front of me on a side, snoring fucking loud just like Georg used to.. remember?..

God it was SO annoying!..

I started throwing my candies to him trying to make him shut the fuck off seeing if I could hit his open mouth.. but.. you know?

Throwing stuff to people isn’t fun if you aren’t here to laugh with me... so-...


I just turned on my earphones and sank in music until I felt we were finally landing in the airport.

And-..hell.. Tom. I really miss Saki. Can you tell how many Fans were there already waiting for me?.....I just wanna know how is that they always find out about my every move!

Its crazy really! .. you see, that guy that came with me.. the new security guy?.. well..

He was so lost and.. shy with me! Like.. what the hell.. as soon as I had my baggage he asked me what did I wanted him to do for me ¿?


And just a few seconds after I saw like a group of 20 girls running crazy to where we were.. so I kind of screamed to him to help me get out for the other door or something…


I had no make up on Tom! And they took god knows how many pictures of my face.. uhg.. thank god I had my sunglasses with me..




I missed you.. and.... your huge caps and hoodies covering me always..  damn...its always so much easier to deal with everything when you are there too....calling 80% of the attention...


god.. really you cant tell how much I missed you.




Okay, short after we were at the hotel lobby checking stuffs.



The girl in the main desk said the doctor called to the hotel asking for me. Asking if I was there already and when would I had time to set up all the things.



So. Yes. As soon as I finish ..writing this.. I’ll go take a shower, and...I don’t think I’m hungry so .. I’ll just skip the rest and go straight down stairs again.


The guy said he would wait for my call to come.


A long day is waiting for me.
I honestly don’t have idea what would they do to me. David said it was just a normal and last check and a few tests to see if everything was going well. And then I’ll be done.



However. I hope it don’t hurt cause I have no one here,  and.. hell, If normal American English was hard enough for me, you can’t imagine how fucking impossible is to understand what these people say when they talk.


Anyways. What.. I wanted to really say was....


Okay I lied.  

Listening music wasn’t the only thing I did .. on the plain.. I-.... also took out this, and-..... started writing a little.


To be honest.  I’m not sure about anything right now.  



And-....you’ll soon understand.. what I’m talking about..



I even doubted about.. ever sending you this. In fact. I am STILL hesitating.




And-....


I’m.. not sure If.. I should..

I mean..

And-...uhg..






I'm not sure...

If I’ll ..ever call you back there because.. I think this is better.

I’m.. already missing everything too much right know....and.. if I hear your voice and....stuff... I’ll-...just.


This way is better okay?.


So the text below..was....I mean. Part of it I wrote it on my way here and part of it I’m finishing it right now..  so it might look a bit confusing but I think you’ll understand anyways and....well....


Okay.. just.. Keep reading.


*****





Do you realize in less.. than.. a week we’ll be...19?



and.... It feels so weird because we are so far away right now. We’ve never been this far away from each other.... Ever since we.. . No.. I actually don’t remember.. I think we’ve  NEVER been this far away..
To be honest I feel something is missing.


I feel....I forgot something at the airport.



And I search again and again in between my things looking for it. trying to remember what it was.. what it is.. that its making me feel that way.. And then..


just like two seconds ago.. I realize what I left. Was..

You.



And. I’m looking like a fool right now. Cause.. I’m smiling to this screen for no apparently reason.. and.. yes. I’m smiling alone.


Just.. think about this.

Remember the first flight we made? It was just from one city to another in Germany. We were first starting on this music business.. we had an appointment with a record label... and we couldn’t take the train cause we wouldn’t make it on time..

Jesus.. I was terrified of highs and....I thought we were going to die and-....


You....



You waited until the lady adjusted all my seatbelts and stuffs and disappeared in the corner.. to hold my hand tight in yours on a side of the seat.


And you didn’t spoke a word to me.


You just squished it hard. And...I understood you were scared too.

But.. that way.. you somehow told me with out words..  It will be okay...Everything will be okay because you were there with me and I was there with you. And we had each other.


We squished our hands so tight they were actually getting white by when the plain was already in the air. And we remained like that in silence until we were on earth again almost an hour after.

God knows since then every time things get scary on flights, I just sank my hand in yours and I forget about everything.




Well..



Right now. There is just an empty seat beside me.


:(


And I feel I don’t know where to put my hands every time the plain shakes a little.



How silly of me right?


But..You know How I am.. you know me.. You know I always go all touchy and stuffs when it comes about those things.. and-.... memories and....us.




Lately. I’ve been feeling…. I don’t know about you.. Tom. But..I feel....  I need.. I think..

God this is so much hard than how I thought it would be. I’m-...

I’m looking like a retard right know. Who uses a sunglass in the night?... who uses it in a plain?..... I just don’t want them to see that I’m-..


Okay..


I need to calm down. I know.


***



I’m reading and reading all I wrote so far and. Its only making it worst. And.. just because my dear mind its always so opportune.. I’m thinking right now, this will be the first night I’ll be sleeping alone in a hotel room.

With out another bed by my side..

with out another bed with you on it.... Telling me good night before switching off the lights..

With out..  your voice talking to me in the dark.. like those concert nights we were so hyper we couldn’t stitch an eye even though we were in bed already.. so we kept talking and talking until one of us passed out of exhaustion five minutes before David called to our room again telling us it was time to wake up again...


God. How I loved those nights and.. how I hated those mornings..
And..



We lived it all again just a couple days ago remember? ..after that long singing session in Chicago..



Curious thing.. everybody still believes we always have our own private hotel rooms.. right?.. and well.. I’m not complaining cause part of that is true.. I use mine for all my clothes and stuffs.. and.. you use yours occasionally for your....private.. “Meet and greet” with the first skirt girl you see.. ¬¬

But.....anyhow..




At the end of the day.. someway we.. always ..end up sleeping into the same four walls.. Whether is mine.. or yours..



And because of it When Georg and Gusti asked the first time who of us was the one afraid of the dark, you blamed me!  Remember!...you heartless....

:)


You waited until they left to poke me and say “sorry I had to do something to look less pussy”



Excuse me?... I couldn’t help but laugh..


You are always so worried about keeping your tough pimp big guy image Tom..  oh but who would guess your are even more soft than I in the inside..




You know?...

One of these days I’ll confess everything in some interview and you wont have a way to deny it.. but then again.. I think.. if I ever do that, everybody will know you the way only I do.. and..

Well..

I feel special. Cause....not even mom knows you that much well.. I feel important in your life.. Otherwise your wouldn’t let me... you wouldn’t be so open and transparent with me..


And.. if.. I ever did it.. you wouldn’t be exclusive.. of me anymore..


You know what I mean.. right?...

there wouldn’t be anymore...a part of you left only to me.. away of the spotlights.. away from everything…




So..




That’s why.. Tom..


now you know it.

That’s why I always keep my mouth shut when you tease me in public.. even though.. Dear god.. you and that “10 minutes older” thing..

uhg..

Jesus.. I cant even count how many times you did it in the past month we were on The States..


But....I cant deny it..

I love seeing you smiling after saying it.... making everybody laugh.. I love your expression....and you seem to love my “what a pain in the ass you are” face..


Seriously... the guys might been tired of hearing you by now...  one of these days Gustav will cut you off and crack a joke or something in plain interview... And we’ll all stay shocked..


Even David.. he is so used to us.. so used to everything we do and say to each other.. he don’t even ask anymore.. he just nods and do as if it was the most normal thing in the world....




And...

Ugh...

Some one just called to my room.. see? That’s why I hate this things..  I hate I cant be alone in peace for at least half hour..

It was the lobby girl.. she says the doctor is waiting for me downstairs already..


I don’t get it, they said he would wait for my call.. great....now I have to go....  :(


This isn’t even half of the things I was hoping I could end up writing. I had so much in mind.. and now.. I cant remember it at all..


Maybe I’ll have time to come back later and keep on this.. or..




No..  You know what?..  maybe its better this way.. I think.. I need to.... fix my thoughts here.. I need to think better on what I wanted to tell you.. I’ll have that in mind the whole day.. I’m more than sure..




Please. Don’t worry about me. And.... I know you enough to be sure you would probably want to call me anyways. But please Tom.




Don’t.

Really.

I need this.




It was me....please don’t be mad.

I told David. I suggested you could stay and I should come here alone. He didn’t asked too much about it. He thought it was a good idea anyways..


I need this time to think. And I need this space. Even though I feel I’m breaking inside.



I’m sorry I’m making you get worried.


I can’t hear your voice right now. You don’t have to answer this mail.. I know how much you hate these things.




And.....fuck.

I need to clear my mind to keep writing.


Okay, Just promise me you’ll try to enjoy these days.. you know more than anyone how hard its to have a single free week.. so.. just....  Enjoy.



Please. PLEASE don’t tell the guys.....don’t tell anything. Nothing its wrong. Believe me.




It's just.....Between Me and you.




Mostly........Me.






I’ll write back tomorrow again..


They are calling at my door.

I have to go now. Forgive me.



I miss you..



Bill.






I gasped at the blank screen feeling my insides aching for who knows what reason,  I started sweating cold, I have never felt him so sad.. so worried. Something was going on in his mind, something was consuming him.. why would he hide something from me?


I’m his twin brother! Fuck!


I clicked at the Reply button and started writing as fast as I could..



my fingers trembling..


my heart in my mouth....



To:  Billa <Billkaulitz_89>

Subject:  RE: ‘… On my way – 27 / 8 / 2008 – Five days.’





BILL.

What was all that? Are you okay??


Fuck.  if this is some kind of joke ..QUIT IT. is not fun. What are you-..... What is it?



You’re starting to scare me.

What the hell was that about telling Jost-.. just-… I cant even think right now. I’m fucking confused.  

Can you PLEASE explain your self better??


Did someone did something to you??

I hate this shit.


I’ll call you. I don’t care. Please answer.

Bill I mean it.



Please. Don’t joke like this when we are so far.

this is not funny.

I’ll make your phone ring until you answer my call and you better have batteries.




I moved a side stretching my arms to grab my phone from the night stand.

I desperately searched through the numbers until I found his.

We were always changing numbers because of the fans.. they somehow one way or another managed to find them and start calling and texting us.. some of them really sick were even starting to stalk us..


We didn’t have another choice...

In the past five months we might have changed numbers a good twenty times until we had a serious talk with the security and the label record deciding our private stuffs like those were going to be available only to members of the band and the closest family... for everything else, there was David to contact.


And it had worked so far.




I sighed brokenly. I pressed the call button..

I couldn’t wait until I finished sending the mail.. I just couldn’t. I could send it later. I had to call him now. Every second passing by stabbing me in every corner..


It started sounding. I was feeling my heart beats in my eyes.. my head was hurting..



I heard the click of the call entering.





I stopped breathing.



“Hi this is Bill. I cant-..uhg Tom give me that!-...I cant- talk right now but you can call Tom and he’ll tell me later alright?   –what? why me!-  shh! Nein! Duh you silly! Because you are always with me!  -but-  shut up! You are ruining the-!  -is it still recording?  -uhg!-  but you-  Shhh!-..uhm, okay just call him and leave your message Thank you! Bye”



I bit my lips hard..

It was His voice message.....the one we did together.. I remembered he kept it just to tease me.. it was the day I got him his new cel phone....we were trying it.. we were at our home.. one cold April morning....half year ago..and yet....it seemed just like yesterday..



It shocked me so much been hearing his voice message.. He never ignored my call before.. he had done it even with Mom, but never with me.

He NEVER ignored me before.

I was always the first on his list.




I felt something breaking in my insides....


I called and called and always the same cold voice message echoing my ears...


I dropped my cel phone and sank my head in my hands.
He was obviously not going to pick up my call.



I forced thoughts in my mind trying to remember when did the voice message was supposed to sound.. when the phone was turned of?.. when it was out of signal..? when nobody answered the call?.. when it was purposely derivate by the owner of the line?



I cursed in silence.. why haven’t I paid attention to those details before...?



I tried to calm down.. I realized I was maybe overreacting.. what if it was just....a coincidence..?



I closed my eyes bringing back memories of yesterday when we were at the airport.....


Bill was weirdly silent but I thought it was just because I wasn’t going with him and he will be alone in the flight..



Out of it, he was in a noticeable neutral good mood..

I repeated and repeated thousand times every scene in my head..




I froze.

What if he was just....faking..

I tightened my fist one the mattress. I never felt so lost before.... how could I not realize he was faking those smiles.. how could I not see he was far from being good...




I shook my head in silence.. it just couldn’t be happening. I was thinking thousand things at the same time... I needed to calm down.




I turned my head to where I had left my laptop, I needed to send that thing. I needed a sign of life....I took it to my lap again. I kept writing.







God. Okay. I don’t know where are you right now, and If you are still busy with the doctors or something, at least call me back as soon as you can.



Bill please don’t do anything stupid.

I don’t know why am I fearing this, but.. I’m just being honest.



I wanna come back here in a few hours and find another mail from you telling me it was just a joke. Okay?



I’m… not pushing you. If you are upset for something. Just tell me. We’ll fix it. we are brothers. There’s nothing I wont understand.  Please. DON’T DO ANYTHING STUPID.




Just..

When are you coming back?.. Friday?... I’ll ask Jost tonight.


And. As for sleeping alone in a hotel room. I know. I understand you.
And yes. I’m sat at your bed right now writing this.




I have the whole day free for my self. And as weird as it sounds, Right now I wish I had something else to keep my mind busy with...


this is killing me.




I think I’ll go out for a walk.


If you don’t wanna call me. At least.....I don’t know. At least write back. You said you will right?


Just promise me you are not depressed or something.

Don’t miss me. I’m right there with you. Just call me....just....tell me you want me there and I’ll take the first flight in the morning. I don’t care a shit.




I knew I should have went there with you.. I knew I should have insisted.. fuck.. why would you tell Jost whatever you told him?



Why for? I just still don’t get that part.

What did I do wrong? was it something i said??? something i did???






I’ll just-..



I'l just stop typing right now I don’t wanna say things I might regret.






And you know I almost don’t tell you stuff like these.. but.. yes…




I miss you too.


I will miss your voice tonight.


I am missing you already..










Tom.